Find a quiet spot, as far away as possible from any yawning, sewage-seeping pits of despair, such as CNN and Fox News.

Close your eyes so that only a deep, hollow void—similar to the 24-hour news cycle—is in front of you. You are in complete control of your body and mind, unlike the political talking heads that have traded their integrity for a paycheck and now function merely as docile puppets.

Allow silence to surround you, just as that angry mob of protesters tried to surround you when you pointed out that half of their signs were misspelled and used poor grammar.

Breathe in slowly. Exhale deeply… but not too deeply because your insurance wouldn’t cover all of the charges you would be billed if you hurt yourself. If you don’t have insurance, try not to move too much in general.

Begin relaxing each part of your body. Start with your toes, which have been balancing on the precipice of outright madness since the first televised presidential debates.

Release the tension in your legs. Imagine yourself leaping blithely through a field of pesticide-free flowers, immune from the raging fires of ignorance and misinformation. You are the “Lord of No Fucks Given.”

Let go of the weight on your shoulders. They are probably sore from holding up that sign you made for the rally last night (the one with the Hitler pun you were so proud of).

Relax your arms and hands even though you are metaphorically grasping the last shreds of your sanity.

Notice the tension (that built up from that hour-long Twitter rant) escape from the tips of your fingers.

Feel the stress knots in your lower back unfurl into a dimension where thoughtful, calm, and informed political discussions exist. Probably somewhere in Scandinavia.

Unwind the pain in your upper back that persists like that myth that Larry from Accounting likes to rehash even though you emailed him a link to that fact-checking website.

Focus on your breathing… the constant repetition… like politicians who repeat talking points instead of actually answering important questions.

As you feel the release move up through the top of your head, try to clear your mind of that cousin who retweets Trump without irony or ridicule. Expel any lingering guilt you may feel about blocking him.

Remember your breath. Inhale the stench of desperate, manipulative election-cycle tactics. Scream the primal howl of a million disenfranchised voters as you exhale.

Still yourself. Allow the stillness to wash over you as though you are a campaign worker washing over a candidate’s racist and sexist remarks and insisting that they are “only joking.”

Quiet the voice in your head that knows you would not qualify for Canadian residency.

Picture yourself through the lens of the most flattering Instagram filter you can think of. You are now in a state of total soft-focus relaxation where all comments have been disabled.

Give in completely, as if you are a politician coming out in support of a hate-monger just to vote within the party.

You exist within a blissful state of peace, even if your neighbor leaves beer cans on the front porch and lectures you about the dangers of immigrants.

As you return your focus to your breath, feel that you are one with the universe… or at least you are one with the three people who “liked” your vodka-inspired 1,200-word Facebook post about problems with the Electoral College.

We have now come to the end of this guided meditation. When you feel that you are ready, open your eyes. Alternately, you may choose to keep them closed until November.


Photo by John W. Iwanski