Alien baby found in tomb.
Raiders of the Lost Ark stars
reunited. New planet discovered,
formed solely of vaporous remains.
Document redacted. Lose 200 pounds.
Fast. Heal cancer with sun rays.
Lettuce: It can kill you. Gazillionaire
invests in new rumor mill. Cambodian
Snake Charmers. Isinglass. Fast.
How much time do we really have?
News Report: if you are over forty
and have symptoms ABC and D
you are probably already dead.
The finger is on the trigger. Who
is pulling the strings? Masked man
mysteriously found beneath curtain.
Warning. Don’t do this. Warning.
Zombie bats. Warning. River turns
red. Two tons of chinook salmon
fall from the sky in the small town
of Sammamish, Washington.
There is no explanation. Here
is all you need to know: fifty
salient factoids on this listicle:
Bloat. Gout. Eczema. Click here
for more. Seriously. I can help.
Call me crackerjack and I’ll sell
you the box. Take this test to know
what you want. Take this test
to reveal the meanings of dreams.
Remember when your father opened
his mouth into a valley of orchids?
Remember when you were the forest
and before you knew it you were
also the axe? Aren’t you relieved?
Congratulations. You won advice.
Survey says it means nothing. Relax.