Dear Mr. Drumpf (a satire)

by | May 5, 2016 | Arts & Culture, Creative Nonfiction

Dear Mr. Drumpf,

Do you think that I could be president one day?

~Rosa, age 8

 

Rosa,

First of all, I should thank you for your letter. I’m sure you appreciate that I’m taking the time to write back to you. After all, I’m a very important man doing very important things. It must be a real thrill for you to get a letter from me. I mean, everybody loves me. I’m tremendously popular. I’m terrific.

Rosa, the first thing I noticed is your name. I’m not sure where you’re from, but I’ll have my people look into it. Maybe you, or your parents are from Mexico? Not that I’m jumping to any conclusions, but, you know, we have to verify a few things. If everything checks out, then you should tell your parents to vote for me. If my people find something they don’t like, then… well, you know.

Now, about your question… Well, I also noticed that you are a girl, so right off, you have that woman’s card that you can play. I’m not sure exactly what that means, or if it gives you any kind of advantage, but it sounded good when I said it so… powerful stuff there. I’m very, very good at what I do. I think a lot of people get the wrong impression of me… that I hate women or something, which is just not true. Women love me. I mean, I love women. My people say to repeat that after I call a woman disgusting or a bimbo… I have very good people working for me. Amazing.

Another good thing to have if you’re running for president is money… a lot of money. I have a lot of money. What I suggest for you, Rosa, is that you have someone give you a lot of money. Don’t harp on that point though. Remember to tell people that you’re very rich, that you’re incredibly talented, hardworking, adored by all… you know that kind of thing.

People will tell you that you need to run for an election on some kind of platform that includes sharply outlined, coherent policies. Don’t listen to those people. The only platform you need is fear. That’s my opinion, and everybody knows that my opinion is the only one that matters. You can leave the policy-making to the people you hire. You can say you stand one way on an issue one day, and contradict that stance the next… doesn’t matter. What’s more important is a good slogan. I’m sure that you know that mine is about making America great again. You might ask: What does that mean? Doesn’t matter. I guess it could imply that America was only great in the past, like before people started yammering about equal rights, fair pay… whatever.

It also helps to have endorsements. Even from people linked to the KKK. Maybe you don’t know what that is yet, Rosa, which works to your advantage because you can just say that you don’t know anything about those people endorsing you. And even if you do know about those people, just say you don’t know anything about them or what they’re saying. Or you don’t remember. Or you can disavow if the press puts pressure on you. Keep repeating that: disavow. Don’t comment any further. It works. It’s terrific. I’m giving you tremendous tips here.

That’s my advice. You can buy my books for more advice. They’re tremendous books… best-sellers. No other books can compare. I’ve told my people to include a trucker hat with my campaign slogan with this letter because I’m a very generous person. They are taking a few photos of me while I dictate this letter to you on my way to a rally because they said it would look good or something. I mean, I could write this letter myself. I’m very good at writing letters. Very, very good at holding pens. Tremendous.

~Mr. Drumpf

 

Photo caption: A mural by street artist Hanksy in Chinatown, New York

Photograph: Alamy

About The Author

Dorothy Bendel

Dorothy Bendel’s work has appeared or is forthcoming in Catapult, Literary Hub, Electric Literature, American Literary Review, The Rumpus, and additional publications. She is working on an essay collection. See more of her work at dorothybendel.com and follow her @DorothyBendel