(Luanne Van Houten, née Mussolini)


Once there was a special little guy who put on his big boy pajamas and promised not to wet the bed.   His Mommy called him Sweet Little Treasure but he said I want to live with Weekend Dad so he was sent to bed without eating any non-dairy, peanut-free snacks.

The boy started to cry but he was allergic to his own tears and pretty much everything else.  If you leave to live with that rotten, change purse-carrying loser, said his Mommy, I will have Pyro punch your dad and bring you back, for you are my Sweet Little Treasure.

I will become a boat and sail to my father, said the boy.

If you become a boat, I will send my ex-boyfriend, The Sea Captain, to bring you back to me, for you are my Sweet Little Treasure, said his Mommy.

Weekend Dad and I will leave Springfield in the middle of the night, said the boy.

If you and your weakened father steal away from Springfield, I will have him charged with kidnapping, and Chief Wiggum will have Lou book him, said his Mommy, for you are my Sweet Little Treasure.  Besides, what would you eat?  Your father can’t even keep a job as a bean crop scarecrow or as an assistant to the guy who puts fliers under windshield wipers.

That very dark night the boy fell asleep while listening to Jimi Hendrix sing “Wild Thing” and in his dream, he sailed to a forest full of everything groovy.  All the school bullies lived in the forest, and when the boy saw them, his heart sang the saddest song of all.  The bullies swore their terrible swears, gnashed their cavity-filled teeth, and showed the dirt beneath their fingernails.  We’ll beat you up, said Nelson.  Then the wild rumpus started, and the bullies gave the boy wedgie after wedgie until he went back to his Mommy’s loving arms.  She kissed him and hugged him and said I’ll never let you grow; I’ll never let you go.




Photo By: Jiri Brozovsky