More Ways Donald Trump Can Make Tragedy All About Himself 

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(*The following list was inspired by Trump’s response to the Orlando massacre.)

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Appreciate the congrats for being right on that whole Titanic thing, even though I don’t publicly discuss my knack for maritime engineering.

Appreciate the congrats for being right on the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Lots of foreigners coming into California then… not a coincidence!

Appreciate the congrats for being right on the Irish Potato Famine issue. Don’t let it happen to you… buy Trump Steaks!

Appreciate the congrats for being right on The Great Depression. I don’t want congrats, I want to go back in time and enroll these people in Trump University’s $35,000 “Gold Elite” program! (*Legal disclaimer: May or may not be a terrible idea.)

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Appreciate the congrats for being right on the Hindenburg explosion. Not to brag, but I know a lot about dangerous, gaseous vessels.

Appreciate the congrats for being right on Hurricane Katrina… Walls are kind of my thing.

Appreciate the congrats for being right on Lincoln’s assassination. By the way, John Wilkes Booth would have LOVED “The Art of the Deal”!

Appreciate the congrats for being right about the 1911 Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. My record on women and immigrants speaks for itself.

Appreciate the congrats for being right about the Black Death pandemic. My intimate knowledge of vermin and blood-sucking parasites would have been terrific in the 14th century!

Appreciate the congrats for being right about the Salem Witch Trials. As I’ve clearly shown, women I deem unattractive are evil. I could have saved everyone a lot of time!

Appreciate the congrats for being right about the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. I know all about raging, destructive fires and widespread panic. Just look at my campaign!

Artwork “Donald J. Trump” by GeorgeLiquor used under Creative Commons License

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About Author

Dorothy Bendel's work has appeared or is forthcoming in Catapult, Literary Hub, Electric Literature, American Literary Review, The Rumpus, and additional publications. She is working on an essay collection. See more of her work at dorothybendel.com and follow her @DorothyBendel

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