I am pleased to write this letter recommending my master to your firm. I have known him for thirteen months but he has known me my entire life. In fact, he created me. This was a spectacular achievement. This is not to say that I have done spectacular things, but I think surely you will agree that the creation of any human life, no matter how lowly, is worthy of our praise. This is not to diminish his accomplishments, by calling his creation of me lowly. Truly, that is my own fault. Because who among us is without fault? Only the creator, who, while it is true has created me, a creature, and other creatures who have faults, well, he must have his reasons. I don’t think these reasons are for our minds to know. These are the types of things you might expect him to say if you hire him. Also some eye-rolling and scoffing, which encourages reflection on potentially “cockamamie questions.” He is a consensus builder. He will build consensus among one group, and another kind of consensus among another. In this way, he is a team player. True, his collaboration skills are lacking, but who really can rival our master? I give him my highest recommendation. He will require great things of you, and you will be unable to deliver. You, however. You will be weighed, and you will be found wanting. For this position, there really is no other choice.
Letter of Recommendation for Terrible Emmanuel by Chris Haven