A Totally Modest Proposal

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Jonathan Swift*The following satirical piece references “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift (1729). Read the full text here.

A Totally Modest Proposal

by Donald Trump

 

You know what’s wrong with America today? We have too many babies.

We’ve got tons of welfare queens scamming the government for child support.  It’s a great business – these women, they’re making millions!

The state’s paying for all these babies, who do NOTHING for the economy!

Teenagers are fine. You can send the boys and ugly girls to war and have the hot girls be Miss America contestants.

Little kids can be useful too. They’re really good at crawling through mining shafts and chimneys.

But infants are useless. They do nothing but grab boobs all day, and nobody charges them with sexual harassment. UNFAIR!

I’ve got a plan to make these babies useful members of society. It’s a great plan. The best plan.

I heard from a reliable source that babies are very nutritious. They’re high in protein and Omega-3s.

Baby flesh tastes great grilled! Almost as good as Trump Steaks.

Babies also make fantastic bacon. #babybacon

Buyers would pay $250 a baby. That’s $25 per pound, about the same rate as a filet mignon. Great deal!

Good deal for moms too. Without a baby to leech away their attention, women can lean in at work and reach the glass ceiling in record time!

With hard work and a good attitude, these women can one day make enough money to afford KEEPING their babies!

America, you wanted blue-collar jobs back? I’ll give you more butcher jobs than you can shake a cleaver at.

Small businesses will thrive like never before! We’ll sell baby-ivory, baby leather, baby organs for baby stem cell research.

Of course, we will only eat babies made in the USA. All-natural, all-American.

Baby-flesh is just the industry we need to SUPERBOOST our economy!

Crybully liberals will whine about human rights, but remember: these are the same people funding Planned Parenthood. They don’t care about life.

Want to solve overpopulation? Lower abortion rates? End poverty? These are tough problems. They won’t have “nice” or “ethical” solutions.

Don’t talk about sex education or affordable childcare. Those are all socialist ideas. America’s a CAPITALIST nation.

These babies are going to get born anyway. They’ll grow up into hungry kids, who’ll grow up into hungry adults who make their own hungry babies.

If we aren’t careful, we’ll have a whole nation of starving people! It’s cheaper to eat the babies now than feed them later. So let’s hurry and make America TASTY again!

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About Author

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Emily Swaim is a fiction writer living in the Midwest. Her writing has appeared in multiple anthologies, including “Complex Fairy Tales” (2016) and “Life of the Dead” (2014). She spends a lot of time pondering the meaning of life when really she should be doing something productive like laundry.

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