- Interpret these sentences (5 points each):
a) “stucky is my OTP and im clintasha af”
b) “is this man even real he is highkey mY FAVE”
c) “pizza rolls not gender roles”
- Write a five-sentence tos!Spirk slashfic with an oc insert. (10 points)
- Explain, in a complete paragraph, the impact of Spiders Georg on
common statistical data. (10 points)
- Is Canada even real? Provide evidence for and against. (15 points)
- Provide a reaction image for this sentence: “when ur mom come home
and make hte spagheti” (3 points)
- Explain nightblogging and shitposting, and provide an example. (10
- What is the purpose of the internet? (12 points)
EXTRA CREDIT: Write an internet poem. (up to 8 points)
- a) “stucky is my OTP and im clintasha af”: Urban Dictionary, Shipping (v., noun form “ship”): “A term used to describe fan fictions that take previously created characters and put them as a pair. It usually refers to romantic relationships, but it can refer platonic ones as well. (Just think of “shipping” as short for “relationSHIP”.)” It’s become a verb, a noun, a semipreposition, anything. People have begun to ship real people. I ship my boyfriend and myself. We mash our names together to make a ship name.
Let’s do the math:
One (1) Jordan + One (1) Anna = JORDANNA.1
I ship Jordanna. I ship Jordanna af [as fuck (adj. Or adv.): excessively]. In fact, it’s the one ship that I ship over all other ships, my One True Pairing (n; abbreviated to OTP). Answer: “Steve and Bucky (from Captain America) are my favorite relationship to support and also I support Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff (from The Avengers) to an excessive degree.”
1 This is rough math, and should not be done exactly. Exact mathematical measurements are dangerous and imprecise. The internet should not be calculated.
- b) “is this man even real he is highkey mY FAVE”: A common expression of wonder usually used in a positive sense, as in: “is this even real? It’s so unbelievable that I can’t believe it.” Highkey (adv): opposite of low-key; very much. Fave(n): favorite; often used in an adoring way. capitALS indicate an increasing intensity, to text-shouting. Therefore, this translation: “This man is my favorite person, to the degree that I am not even certain that he truly exists. I show this enthusiasm by shouting.”
- c) “pizza rolls not gender roles”: Gender roles (n): Arbitrary designations that people are expected to ascribe to on the basis of gender. Ex: Girls wear pink; boys play football. Pizza rolls (n): a delicious snack that the internet seems to love. Translation: “Pizza rolls are delicious, and gender roles are stupid. Therefore, pizza rolls are preferable to gender roles.”
- Write a five-sentence tos!Spirk slashfic with an oc insert: Fan Fiction language, covered in Chapter 2, module 3. Fan fiction is abbreviated “fanfic” or “fic”. Found on Tumblr, Fanfiction.com, Archive of Our Own (AO3), and in early versions of Fifty Shades of Grey. Slashfic (n): a same-sex pairing, from usage “Dean / (slash) Cas” or other popular pairings. Not usually applied to heterosexual couples. Spirk (n): Spock and Kirk from Star Trek; tos!Spirk (n., more particular): Spock and Kirk from Star Trek: The Original Series (tos, as opposed to the 2009 reboot)2. Exclamation point (!) indicates a certain version of a character or ship; i.e., “Demon!Sam” or “Formation!Beyonce” as opposed to “Young!Sam” or “Single Ladies!Beyonce.”3 OC (n., abbreviated from Original Character): a character who has not previously appeared in canon; who is created by the fic writer, not the official creator(s) of the media. The question asks for five sentences of fanfiction featuring Spock and Kirk in a relationship with each other, as well as a character that is an original creation by the student.
Teacher Insert: The internet is difficult to understand, and the depths of the internet are not to be explored, lest students discover Deep Web Secrets and porn. No student, despite this course content, should truly understand the internet.
2 Spock and Kirk are the first ship, the favorite ship. The enterprising ship, if you will pardon the pun. Fanfiction was invented for them by rabid Trekkies, who are more dangerous than a horde of Tribbles. The term “Shipping,” however, was developed later, for supporters of the MSR, or Mulder-Scully Relationship on The X-Files.
3 Single Ladies!Beyonce cannot be compared to Formation!Beyonce. That is a fact. We, however, approximate for the sake of explanation.
- Explain, in a complete paragraph, the impact of Spiders Georg on common statistical data. “average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actually just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted. (Source: The Internet) In fact, Spiders Georg cannot be counted, cannot be quantified. Spiders Georg is unquantifiable. Spiders Georg is a Meme (n., MEEM): any shred of pop culture that travels quickly, usually over the internet. Internet (n.): A network for transmission of memes.
They don’t need to be understood; they just need to be experienced and accepted for what they are. Memes can be text-based or image-based, and are usually incomprehensible without concise conditioning. Internet Conditioning (n.): a term I just made up; the context without which nobody would be able to understand the internet.4
4 Nobody can understand the internet anyway. The internet can only be accepted in context. Internet conditioning is that context.
- Is Canada even real? Provide evidence for and against.
- Evidence against Canada’s reality:
- Canada’s Government has a Strategic Reserve of Maple Sugar.5
- Canada’s money (apparently, ABC News says) smells like maple sugar.
- Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is actually perfect.
- Every year, Canadians deposit all their rudeness into one person. We’re so sorry; Justin Bieber was never meant to escape.6
- Evidence for Canada’s reality:
- Canada appears on maps of the world.
- Tourists standing on the American side of Niagara Falls attest to seeing something vaguely resembling land through the mist.
5 All research is done on the internet (how else). Therefore, the credibility of any information is approximate.
6 Okay, that one is false. The fact remains, however: with the sole exception of Bieber, Canadians are unusually polite.
- Provide a reaction image for this sentence: “when ur mom come home and make hte spagheti”: This, again, is a meme. It depicts the extreme delight of a home-cooked meal provided by a parental figure that has just arrived at home. This assumes, of course, that the parent is the only person capable of cooking, or that the child would not cook for itself. Any image suggesting extreme satisfaction will do, but extra points will be awarded for incomprehensibility. Extra, extra points awarded for animal images or meme references.
An image like this would do:
7 This is a common reaction image, originally titled “me gusta” (Spanish: “I like it”). What do we like? It. What is it? The thing we like. Apparently, we also like reciprocal definitions. Because of my internet conditioning, I see this face as an expression of satisfaction. It is, however, objectively terrifying. I have no idea why on earth this image is meant to convey delight. Take from this what you will.
- Explain nightblogging and shitposting, and provide an example. It’s night, but the bloggers are still blogging. The lack of sleep has made them oddly philosophical and woozy. They post shit– philosophical, senseless shit. The nightbloggers shitpost, but not all shitposts are the result of nightblogging. Nightblogging does not always happen at night. Sometimes it occurs in Australia.
An example, from tumblr user ironychan: “Bologna is basically a great big hot dog sliced really thin.”
Another, from tumblr user wizard-party-forever: “imagine Harry Potter where all the scene transitions are early 2000s Power Point transitions.”
- What is the purpose of the internet?
Some people would say: information. This era is, after all, “the information age.” But any and all information found on the internet is arbitrary. The web is international waters, un-policed, except for semi-moderated sites, like Wikipedia. Therefore, you should be wary of “facts” found on the internet: they might not be factual at all.
For example: a tumblr.com user known only by their url “facts-i-just-made-up” does just that: makes up facts and posts them on their blog. I’ve been tricked by many of those facts, until I checked the url.8 Some of the facts include:
“Despite its name, Sing-Sing Prison does not allow singing within its grounds. It does however encourage yodeling.
A type of car was invented in 1972 that needed no tires. Instead it ran on a self-secreting line of mucus, like a snail.”9
8 Disclaimer on their tumblr: “All facts reported herein are made up and presented for entertainment and satire. If any facts posted by this site are true, it is only by mistake. Now you can’t sue me.”
There’s a sequence of events that tends to occur when someone wants to bend the truth on the internet: an unsuspecting plebian asks the Photoshop community to alter a photo of them, normally a candid vacation shot. The internet community complies, often taking the instructions far too literally. For example:
Civilian: “Can you please edit this photo to make my legs longer?”
In response, the Photoshoppers make the person’s legs far too long to be remotely considered human.
The same thing happens when people take scuba diving pictures and ask for a shark to be Photoshopped behind them in the ocean. Internet trolls will add Bruce, the animated shark from Finding Nemo and proudly present it back to the original poster.
The internet is a terrible lie and a wonderful truth all in one. The internet is fickle and changes its mind minute by minute. The internet is an inanimate object and has no opinion. The internet is neutral; the internet is mercurial.
The internet is distracted.10
10 The internet is made up of people.
EXTRA CREDIT: Write an internet poem.
Someday, I tell myself, I will respond to the bad Photoshops, bad grammar, and bad facts on the internet by writing a bad poem about the internet. What the hell, I think, it might as well be today.
An Internet Poem
Dan Howell feels an alien poop in his ear.
Mulder and Scully wander from there to here.
I am a UFO. Are you a UFO?
William Shatner is a UFO. He tries
To resurrect his career by partnering
With George Takei on some project.
George Takei just looks at the camera
Like he’s on The Office and
Endorses Taco Bell’s latest burrito.
Rule Number 1: The internet lies.11
Bad, isn’t it? Terrible.12 That’s exactly what makes it worthy of the internet.
11 A certain British Science Fiction TV Show: “Rule Number 1. The Doctor Lies.”
12The word “terrible” is far too subjective to judge the internet. Perhaps “progressive” should be used instead? After all, I’m certain that people called William Shakespeare “terrible” for inventing so many words.